


I'll Always Remember Us This Way

by xLoveMx



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Childhood Trauma, F/M, First Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mentioned nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:55:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29529492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xLoveMx/pseuds/xLoveMx
Summary: Five times Bren wonders if he's in love, and one time Caleb knows.
Relationships: Astrid/Bren Aldric Ermendrud, Astrid/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28
Collections: Blumenkrew Fics





	I'll Always Remember Us This Way

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of feelings about these two...and now you'll have to be sad with me.

**1.**

The first time he thinks he might be in love with her, he doesn’t even really know what love is. He’s heard his parents talk about it time and time again, and while the concept of it is something that he can grasp in theory, Bren isn’t quite sure how it’s supposed to feel. He likes her, but he doesn’t think about marriage or settling down in a house, about going out to work and coming home at night to find her waiting for him.

He’s twelve and all he cares about is her laugh as she runs through the fields, her long blond hair whipping behind her as he gives chase. She’s faster than him, and yet she humors him, stopping ever so often to let him catch up until he finally manages to grasp the hem of her dress to stop her.

She’s still laughing, and he thinks about kissing her, but only because Wulf says that’s what you do when you love someone. It’s short, and he nearly misses her mouth entirely, but he likes the way her cheeks flush a darker shade of red as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

Bren thinks that maybe he’s not the first person that she’s kissed, but somehow, he doesn’t care. He commits the moment to memory, the way she smiles, a smile that’s brighter than the sun above, the wind that blows through the fields that very second, messing up her hair once more and how she laughs, “You’re my favorite,” Her words hang in the air as she turns and runs, but Bren doesn’t give chase.

He stands and watches, lips curved into a smile as Astrid disappears from view for good, leaving him behind with a heart that’s beating just a little too fast to ignore.

**2.**

The second time that thought crosses his mind is moments after he watches Trent Ikithon bid his parents goodbye, the excitement still buzzing in his veins. He’s always been interested in the arcane, but leaving Blumenthal, and possibly going to a renowned school such as the Soltryce Academy isn’t something he’s allowed himself to think about until now. Someone has to help his mother, especially when his father is away for longer periods of time, but of course they don’t want to hear any of it.

He can see them beaming with pride, smiles wide as his mother declares that this calls for a celebration and she turns to the cupboards to pull out ingredients for what Bren knows is his favorite cake. He also notices the way she subtly wipes her eyes when she thinks he’s not looking anymore, and he briefly thinks about telling her that he doesn’t have to go, but then frantic knock on the door catches his attention.

When he opens the door, he finds Astrid there, her cheeks red and her hair amiss, falling out of her braids like she’s been running all the way across town. Wulf is there too, hands resting on his knees as he nearly topples over, and Bren can just imagine Astrid grabbing him and pulling him along.

“I saw him leave your house! We’re all going, right?” There’s a spark in her eyes that sets his heart aflame, and he nods, the corners of his lips turning upwards into a smile.

He thinks about kissing her again, but the voice of his mother sends that thought out the window as she steps behind him, and Bren can see her warm smile as she greets his friends.

“Congratulations. I’m sure your parents are as proud as we are,” She rests a hand on his shoulder, and Bren blushes just a little, “Would you two like to stay for dinner?”

**3.**

“You are awfully distracting,” He laughs as he feels her hands on his shoulders. He’s been trying to study this illusion for a good half an hour, and for most of that Astrid’s been trying to get him to stop.

“You already know that book by heart.” She laughs and he leans into her touch just a little, because it’s warm, and she’s right. He knows every page, remembers every word, and maybe he’s been trying to play coy, because that’s how they work. They’re both ambitious, but they bring out the best in each other, too.

“So what? It’s my favorite.” He replies, the corners of his lips turned upwards as her hands slip down his chest.

“I thought _I_ was your favorite,” Bren can practically see the pout on her face, and he laughs, because anyone else would have believed her. In fact, boys and girls alike at the school swooned whenever she walked into a room, and he can’t even fault them for it.

“I think you have that the wrong way around,” He catches her hand and intertwines their fingers for a moment as he speaks.

“Now you’re just out to hurt my feelings,” She laughs and leans down, pressing a kiss to his hair. Her own falls over his shoulders and covers part of his face, and Bren takes in the familiar scent for a moment, wondering if this is love. The way he wants to pull her closer, how she makes his heart race in his chest, but the thoughts go out the window as she pulls back and at his hand, turning him to face her.

“Astrid.” He laughs, though his cheeks flush in an instant, “how long have you been naked?”

“About half an hour. Wulf bet me that you wouldn’t notice, and I just lost ten silver, so you better make up for that.” Her lips are curved into a grin as she pulls him along and he goes willingly, chuckling as they tangle in the sheets.

**4.**

“What do you think?” Her smile is wide as she spins, the somewhat combination of a suit and dress she’s wearing spins along with her. “Trent says I look beautiful. People won’t be able to resist me,” She says it in a playful voice, and yet he can’t help but feel a pang in his chest. He’s not sure why though.

She’s beautiful, as always. Even with her hair cut short, longer on one side where it nearly covers her face to make the mystery perfect. Not enough to be totally obscured, but just enough to be intriguing. “Can you believe he’s finally introducing us to all of them?”

They all know the high-ranking members of the Assembly, of course they do. Bren never forgets a face, and there’s some that Trent works a little more closely with, while the others are off to do their own thing, but she’s right, this is big.

Out of all of the people, he has picked the three of them as his protegees. They take special lessons with him to one day be serving their country, and it’s an honor. He instantly glances down to her arms, but they’re covered, _Of course they are._

He resists the urge to scratch at his own and instead watches as she steps forward to button up the rest of his shirt. “Well, that’s new,” He chuckles, but his heart’s not really in it. She doesn’t seem to notice, or maybe she does, and she just humors him.

They’re all a little nervous today.

“Shut up.” She chuckles as she fixes his collar before stepping back, and there it is again, that pang in his chest. Is that what love is? Could you love someone so much that it hurt? “You better get ready, or you’ll be late.”

“I was born ready,” He instantly shoots back, and her eyes meet with his. “Race you to the top, then.” Astrid grins, and with that she’s out the door, once again leaving him to stand and stare.

**5.**

He knows that something is off, he just can’t quite put his finger on what it is.

He can still hear the sound of retching and chairs falling over as they have long left the house, the taste of celebratory wine on his tongue, while they stand and wait in front of Wulf’s house. Astrid’s hand slips into his and he once again wonders if this is what love’s supposed to feel like. He thinks back to that first time he’s kissed her, laughing and running through the fields, but that suddenly seems like it was decades ago. They have changed a lot since he’d been twelve years old, stumbling over his words and blushing at the very sight of her.

_You’re my favorite._

There’s no sound this time, just the quiet of the night enveloping them. Some houses are still lit, and people are having a late dinner, he thinks. They don’t know what’s going on just a few feet away, and maybe that’s for the best.

When Wulf returns, the house is dark, and he looks like he’s just stepped out for a moment to do something as mundane as having a smoke.

Astrid tugs on his hand, and Bren follows until his own house comes into view. His parents are sound asleep, and he wonders how they can live with the fact that they’ve betrayed their country.

The flame crackles in his hand and when it sparks the cart he watches for a moment, and something inside of him breaks. He charges forward, screams echoing in his ears, but Astrid holds him back. She shouldn’t be able to, she’s so much smaller than him, but maybe, he thinks, no he knows, that she’s always been better than him.

He screams, the pain and anger in his chest erupting and her screams melt together with the _I love you’s_ he’s kept inside for so long.

**+1**

He briefly wonders if this could have been their life. A house not unlike the ones they have grown up in, just bigger. A space to study and read, the walls lined with books.

He runs his fingers across her scar, the pang in his chest nearly unbearable this time, and briefly wonders if the sheets in her bedroom are tangled up. It’s an absurd thought, and he doesn’t know why that’s the first thing that pops into his mind, but then he also doesn’t know why he came here tonight, sneaking around behind his friend’s backs.

After all this time, it doesn’t outweigh what he feels for her.

Maybe they would have told him that it’s a bad idea, but he knows that. He doesn’t need the Mighty Nein to tell him that.

“I regret none, except one.”

He pulls his hand back, and it’s shaking just a little. He’s sure she’s noticed, but once again she’s kind enough to let it pass without a comment.

“Thank you for allowing me into your home,” It’s hers, and even though there’s not much around, it’s still so distinctively _her_ that it hurts.

“You’re welcome any time, Bren. I’d like to see more of you.”

It’s so intimate and at the same time that name stings, like it’s piercing through him, reaching into his chest and grabbing his heart, ready to crush it with minimal effort.

He watches her face for a minute and thinks about staying, because how can he not?

“Gute Nacht.”

_I love you,_ he wants to say.

“Gute Nacht,”

_I love you,_ Caleb thinks, and walks away.


End file.
